A few years ago, when I was still teaching and living in Vienna, I was in the midst of a journey beyond the veils, when the energies around me completely changed. 
 
I had shapeshifted into my white deer aspect and was exploring a forest, conversing with the beings around me and enjoying the peace and quiet. All of a sudden, the shadows grew larger and the scents and smells of the forest changed. What had smelled of peace and healing before, suddenly reeked of danger and demise. I knew that a hunter was on the prowl and he had chosen me as his prey. 
 
Everything grew dark. I started to run. The chase led through the forest, up into one of the mountain regions. I knew where I was headed and I had chosen the path on purpose. I heard the impatient growling of my pursuer behind me and where I was taking a path that would not hurt any tree or bush, he was running right through them, breaking and splintering wood. I reached a cliff, that I knew well, as did I know the abyss it led to. I had been down there on a journey before. 
 
I ran towards the edge of the cliff and at the last moment I made a sharp turn to the left. Since the one chasing me had been blinded by bloodthirst and chosen a form, that would allow him to simply demolish every obstacle, he was not as agile as I was and he went over the cliff. 
I went to the edge of the cliff and looked down.

There he was. A giant red lion made of fire. He was holding on to the edge of the cliff with one paw, his claws dug deeply into the stone. His glowing eyes were filled with pure hatred. I shapeshifted back into my human form, knelt down, grabbed his foot a bit under the paw and pulled him up onto the cliff and into safety. 

​He lay there, breathing heavily, staring at me in complete and utter disbelief. He growled, “Why?” I replied, “I love you.” Then I shapeshifted back into my white deer aspect, looked him in the eye once more, turned around and walked slowly back into the forest. 
 
Gentleness is not weakness, but strength. Facing your fears and looking them straight in the eye takes more courage, than burying them deeply in the abyss, where you can hear their growling and their cries, for they want to be seen and acknowledged. Look at them and see them for what they are and for what they are not. Love them and you love yourself. Embrace them and they are darkness no more. 

Do you know what it feels like when you are going to a party and everyone around you knows your name, who you are, your past, your time together and starts telling you about it, cracking inside jokes, patting you on your back and then taking their leave with a serene smile? Everyone knows who you are, what your purpose is and what you are capable of. With one exception. You. That is how I feel at times. 
 
“I am the White Crow.” That is what I told a being I encountered on one of my very first journeys beyond the veils a long, long time ago. The words came out of my mouth and I knew them to be true, as did the being in front of me. She seemed pleased and happy, we had a nice chat and then parted ways. Before that I had already shapeshifted into a crow without thinking when a murder of crows had called me to journey with them through the veils and it had felt completely and utterly normal. 
 
When I met a healer and shaman, my mother knew and whom I had wanted to talk to to understand what was going on with me, he asked me what my name was. I replied “I am the White Crow.” without giving it a second thought. He stared at me. I looked back at him and after a while I said, “Oh, my name is Kristin.” He kept staring and eventually he said, “Uh-huh.” Still staring.

Then, one day, out of nowhere a Native American medicine man and shaman appeared right in front of me in my energy field. Since I had never had that happen before until that point of time, I was completely taken by surprise. He seemed familiar. He came towards me, smiling broadly. “You have decided to come back here once more! Fantastic!” I looked at him and the only thing that came out of my mouth was, “Yes?” I had no clue what he was talking about. “That’s fantastic! You are back!” I kept staring at him, wide-eyed. “When are you coming over?” “Coming over?” “To visit us!” “I don’t have the resources right now.” He waved his hand dismissively as if that was the most insignificant of problems. “Resources don’t matter at all. Tell me, what is your name?” “I am the White Crow.” “Yes, of course! That is who you are and that is who you have always been. Who else would you be? No, what is your name?” I kept staring at him. “Your name. This lifetime. What is your name this lifetime?” “Kristin.” He was all smiles. He clapped his hands in complete happiness and then he left.

​I remained standing there completely confused about two things: He obviously knew who I was while I didn’t have a clue and he had been genuinely happy to see me. Since the connection had not been broken, I saw him in the distance, talking to another shaman. “He is back!” The other shaman shook his head and said: “Impossible!” “Yes! He is back. A woman this time!” Then the other man looked up and saw me.

His eyes grew big and he flashed me a smile. Then a past life memory hit me: We had known each other as boys. We were of the Haida people. One day we had decided that we wanted to eat some honey. Unfortunately, we did not simply ask the bees for some honey, which they would have given us without hesitation, no, we came up with the glorious idea to use sticks to bang on the beehives. My grandfather, who was a shaman and medicine man, had used the occasion to give me a thorough lesson in how to treat bee stings afterwards. 

For whatever reason it had never crossed my mind to research the meaning of the name “White Crow” thoroughly or to read up on mythology. For me it was just another part of not knowing, what I was, having no mentor or teacher to explain anything to me. The feeling of “Tag! You are it!” without actually knowing which game I was getting involved in had filled my thoughts. 
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​Then I received a great gift. I met Angaangaq Angakkorsuaq and Gayle Crosmaz during a weekend ceremony in Salzburg. When Gayle and I were talking, I told her that I am the White Crow and she told me that her name was White Raven. Then she told me that she had been given the name Allaq by Angaangaq and that it meant Black Bear. During the ceremony Angaangaq answered a question about spiritual names and their meaning. That got me very interested, so I started researching Black Bear and Raven in Ojibwe mythology and found the story about Crow. I read it and understood something profound about myself.

I have always been looking for my place in life, learning whatever possible, just to get bored with it when I was finished and crave new learning. The moment I understood a subject, I wanted to learn something new. The funny thing was, that – even when I myself was unable to find my place or purpose – I could help others by sharing my experiences and what I had learned on my way. I have worked as a teacher for about sixteen years, teaching kids, teenagers and adults and what I loved most about it, was watching my students blossom and bloom, gaining confidence in themselves and their personal power. 
 
In the Ojibwe story Crow is searching for his purpose. Because he was not patient enough to wait for the return of the Great One, who had been called away, the Great One could not tell him what his purpose was. As a result, Crow thinks that he has none. He is learning from all of creation, never finding satisfaction in life or his purpose, flying around restlessly until he starts giving advice to the beings he encounters. All he has learned on his journeys, turns into wisdom and his words guide others to their purpose or help them renew it. Unknowingly he has found his.

​While reading the story I understood a part of myself and my essence. I always thought I had no purpose and I was asking myself why I could not find my place in life. I am happiest, when I can assist and guide others, help them rekindle their inner fire and take their personal power back and I myself am allowed to learn new things. In Salzburg I spoke it out loud for the very first time: Being a healer and shaman is the work I want to do and I love to do: I have found my path and I love it. Every aspect of it.

When the Great One, Gichi-manidoo, was creating the flying ones, every single one of them was given great purpose. “Migizi, you will be the peoples’ messenger of prayers and thanks!”, he told the Eagle, then he created Hawk and told him, “Gekek, you are to be the messenger of the peoples’ needs and good medicine!” Gichi-manidoo then called Loon into being and said, “Maang, you are going to be the teacher of love and relationships!” The Great one created Crow and said, “Aandeg, you are… Oh, I am needed elsewhere for a moment. Be patient and wait for me. I will be right back.” Aandeg the Crow nodded, but soon he got bored and started preening his feathers. “Well, hello? Great One?” He took a look around. “Is anyone out there? Could anyone tell me what I am supposed to do? Hello?” He cawed impatiently. “I will find out myself. Whom to ask? Oh yes, I will ask Makwa the Bear.” 

Aandeg took off and flew to Makwa the Bear’s cave. “Boozhoo, Makwa! It’s me Aaandeg!” “Boozhoo, Aandeg, nice to see you!” “Makwa, I don’t know what I am supposed to do, the Great One did not tell me. Would you teach me your ways so I can be of help to others?” Makwa said, “Yes, I will show you how to find the right herbs and plants, so you can cure any illness, I will teach you how to fish and then I will show you how to survive the cold winter days.” Aaandeg was a great student and learned everything Makwa told him about, but when winter came and the first snow had fallen, he said, “Sleeping through winter is not what I want to do, there is so much to learn out there! This is not my way! Thank you, Makwa! See you in spring!” He flew away. He learned from Beaver, asked Loon to teach him his ways, sought out Wolf as his mentor, walked with Turtle until he grew impatient once more and asked Coyote for advice. But all their teachings didn’t fit with him. He learned from all of creation, but still he could not find his purpose and was not satisfied with his life.

Then one day, he heard someone crying in the woods. It was Ajidamoo the Squirrel. Ajidamoo was sitting on an oak tree. He looked very weak and sad.  “Aaniin, Ajidamoo! What’s the matter? What is troubling your heart?” Ajidamoo looked at Aandeg and said, “Aaniin, Aandeg! I don’t know what to do, my heart feels completely empty and drained!” Aandeg cawed, “You know what, Makwa will know what to do! He is the greatest of healers. We will ask him. And then we will visit Mikinaak the Turtle. He knows all about taking it slow and being patient!” Makwa and Ajidamoo had a great healing ceremony and Mikinaak told the squirrel all about patience and moving slowly. Soon the squirrel felt healed and balanced again and could return to his purpose with fresh spirit. Aandeg said, “That felt great! Let’s see, where to go now… There is so much to learn. Oh, what now? Who is crying now?” 

Since the Crow was always curious about such things, he went to investigate and found Waabooz the Rabbit crying in front of her burrow. “Boozhoo, old friend, what is troubling your heart?” “Oh, I just cannot take it anymore! I just want to be done with it and die!” “But why?” Waabooz the Rabbit started complaining about Waagosh the Fox and told Aandeg that there was simply no peace with Waagosh around. The crow listened carefully to everything his rabbit friend had to say and then advised him to make good use of his long legs and long ears, “Waabooz, you can listen very well and you can easily tell, when Waagosh is nearby! And look at those long and strong legs of yours! You can outrun him anytime!” Waabooz was taken by surprise and answered, “You are right! I can and you know what? I feel pretty good about it, too! Thanks, Aandeg!”
 
From that day, Aandeg kept travelling throughout the lands and made friends with all of creation, finding his purpose in helping others to either find their purpose or return to it with fresh spirit. 

Among all beings of creation, Eagle is the highest flying one, daring to fly near the sun. When All-heart, the Great One, dreamt the flying ones into being, each and every single one of them was given a task and a purpose. Eagle was named the messenger and bearer of prayers to the spirit realms and messenger and bearer of visions to Mother Earth and all of creation. Eagle accepted the sacred duty to speak from the heart with love and to relay the messages and visions without ill-will and without deceit. 
 
When the seasons turned and a long and dark winter began to hold the hearts of humankind in an icy grip, Eagle was no longer greeted with warm words of welcome and the messages and visions, he had been asked to give, were spoken to frozen hearts. Sadness and sorrow filled his heart. He sat down on the branch of a dead tree and he began to weep. He no longer wanted to speak to deaf ears. The harsh words he had been met with and that had been spoken behind his back had wounded his heart badly and weighed him down. He put his head under his right wing and closed his ears to the world.

Suddenly he heard a tiny voice, “Dare to fly out one more time, please. Just one more time. Let us take a look from high up in the skies and see, what we can do to help mend the hearts of all of creation.” Eagle looked up and saw a white eagle sitting next to him on the branch. “Come and follow your heart one more time!” The white eagle jumped into the air and took flight, flew higher and higher and soon was out of sight. 

Eagle hesitated for a brief moment, then let out a scream and rushed after his new friend. 

​​One more time.  
 
Eagle flew higher and higher, but he could not see the other eagle anywhere. The fires of the sun started to burn away all the ill-wishes and harsh words that had been spoken in anger and that had hurt his heart. His heart began to feel lighter and lighter. He soared even higher and dared to stare directly into the sun. The sun light gently caressed his eyes and the shadowy mist that had clouded his sight vanished. His plumage and heart ablaze he looked deep into the heart of the sun and saw his own light mirrored back to him, a majestic white eagle. He let go of his pain and fears and dove straight into the sun. Out of the ashes of wounds past Eagle was reborn as Phoenix.
 
He returned to his task and purpose, singing a song of hope, renewal and rebirth, challenging all of creation to let go of the pain and wounds of the past, to allow them to become the healing wisdom of today and the hope of our new tomorrow. 

Walking through ice and snow on the darkest and longest day of winter is like walking through a world barren of life and warmth. 

Leaving foot prints in the fresh snow that has shrouded the meadows and trees overnight, every single step you take is a step no one has taken before you. The path is yours, entirely yours alone, every breath you take breaking the silence like thunder. You are leaving footsteps for others to follow, easing their journey. 

​Whilst you are walking through the cold, the dark shapes of trees that have shaken off all their leaves are greeting you. You feel the winter sun on your bare skin, caressing you. The voices of crows and ravens are answering the sound of your breath. 

One more step. 

And one more. 

And suddenly, you feel it. In the center of your heart, there is an ember, tiny, yet as strong as the winter sun. ​