Today I was led on an incredibly beautiful journey. Sometimes spirits of nature come to visit me and we have a chat or I am allowed to assist them in something and learn about the healing gifts in the world surrounding us. 
 
At noon, a spirit of the lakes, a beautiful blueish-white horse with water lilies growing in her mane approached me. She was not alone, but a weathermare, a thunderhorse, was accompanying her. Him I knew well and when I felt her energy, I knew she was of the lakes of the valley I call home. She had been hurt, there was fear in her, but also a tiny speck of hope, a seed of trust, waiting to come into bloom again.
 
I allowed her to look into my heart. While I was patiently waiting for her to take another step towards me, I sensed that she was not alone, but that she was nourishing and protecting new life. She was in foal. When our hearts connected and began singing together, healing began. Another being, that had been shrouded in dark energy, had been drinking from her milk without permission, thus taking away her own life force and that of the foal, she was carrying under her heart. That being was thrown backwards and out of her energy, when light began filling her heart again. More thunderhorses and horses of the lakes appeared and wanted to attack the dark being, but I asked them not to and to wait, because I wanted to talk to that being first and listen to its story. Our healing ceremony came to an end and she calmly kept on watching me, as I sat down in front of the dark being. ​

​He was a spirit of the mountains and just as hurt as she had been. He told me that his family was starving and dying because their dwellings had been ravaged and destroyed, their livelihood taken by human beings, not only on the physical plane but also on the spiritual one. I recognized one of the energetic imprints on him and who it belonged to. I blessed the mountain spirit and asked the dark smoke to go away.

The spirit of the mountains was taken by complete surprise. Then I created a small mug and filled it with the energies of the waters, minerals, metals and stones found deep within Mother Earth. He was afraid of drinking from it, because he had been deceived before, so I took a sip. He saw, how the energy started healing me. Then the horse spirits stepped forward, one by one, and drank, as the mug grew bigger and bigger and transformed into a trough. One by one, they healed and showed him, that no harm was to come to him. Another thought came to my mind and I created a small bottle. I filled it with the energy and gave it to him. “Plant it in the soil of your home, just like you would plant the seed of a healing herb. It will grow into a spring, nourishing your family and heal the wounds of the mountains.” ​

While he was looking at the bottle in disbelief, a spirit of the meadows appeared and asked me about an old injury of mine. She then offered me healing. The moment she offered to heal my injury, past trauma was triggered within me and I was filled with terror and moved away from her. I did not want to let her near me and I did not want to take the seed, she wanted to plant within me. ​

​It took me a while to calm down and while my body was still on high alert and ready to flee, I had another idea and began creating new energetic structures that would help the spirit of the mountains. One by one the other spirits begun adding energies and soon we were building together. Again, the spirit of the meadows, offered me the seed of healing that would mend my wounds. My fear grew even greater and past hurts flooded my mind.
 
Amidst the storm of emotions, I had a vision. I saw a great lake and a beautiful purple bellflower breaking through the soil on the lake shore and coming into full bloom. Then the seasons turned and it withered, just to come into bloom again, this time not alone, but other bellflowers emerging from its seeds around her and different flowers and herbs growing side by side with them.
 
I did not understand, but kept working together with the other spirits, until we had finished building a new home for the mountain spirit and his kin. I felt the sadness of the spirit of the meadows, who had wished to help me heal, and said to her, “Please, take the seed of healing, you wanted to gift to me, and plant it into Mother Earth. It is a gift to everyone and should not be kept from the world, just because I am hurt and experience fear, when someone wants to bestow love onto me. I do not mean harm or disrespect, but there is still pain rooted deeply within me. So please, plant it into the world to be a healing gift for everyone, to experience the seasons, grow and change, mend and heal. It will find its way to me, when it is time on my path. Until then, let it shine onto everyone and not be kept away, just because I cannot see. It does not belong to me and is not to be kept by me, in my own abyss and darkness, hidden away. It is for everyone.” The seed in the hands of the spirit of meadows turned into pure light, growing into a bellflower made of light. I felt peace filling my heart, as she planted it. 
 
My body turned into rich soil and a seed took root. A seed that will come into bloom in its own perfect time, a seed, being nourished by patience and love. 

I have a lot of fond memories of my time as a teacher, but there was one particular moment, when I was especially proud of my students and their courage. The whole class had decided to confront me about something, they had been witnessing for a few weeks. 

Back then I was still teaching German as a foreign language as well as how to read and write. My students were teenagers and adults alike, from different backgrounds and cultures. Some of them a lot older than me, retiring soon, others could have been my own kids. 

One morning, after I had greeted my students, put my coffee mug ceremoniously on my desk – it usually made my students laugh – and was about to begin the lesson, one of the men put his hand up. He seemed nervous. There was tension in the room.

​I asked him to speak and he said, “Mrs. Otti, this cannot go on like this. We have to speak to your husband. At once.” I was confused and replied, “I am not married.” “Then we have to speak to your boyfriend. This cannot go on like this. We won’t just watch this happening anymore.” Now I was completely confused and said, “I don’t have a boyfriend. I live alone. What is this about?” ​

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"After practice or a game I walk home with fresh bruises. It is part of my task on the team. The shots are hard. What’s more, I wear a jersey with short sleeves which is unusual for a goaltender. Why? Long-sleeved protective gear just gets unbearably hot.”
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I pointed at my bruises, one after the other, “This ball did not find its way behind me into our net. Not in our net. Not in. Saved. The ones that hurt are the ones you cannot see on my skin, for those shots have found their way into our goal.” 
 
At first, they seemed skeptical, but then some of the men lit up and said, “Like a soccer goalie!”

I had team training that day, so I had my goalie gear in my office. I asked my students, if they wanted to take a look at it. Of course.

​The lesson turned into a discussion about competitive sports. One student revealed that she was a swimmer and had participated in world championships and another student had played as a professional soccer player in his home country before the war had started. I invited all of my students to our game the following weekend. ​

When the lesson had ended, my students wanted to apologize to me. I interrupted them and said, “Never ever apologize for asking someone, where his or her bruises and injuries come from. Never ever. You don’t know, what the man, woman or child in front of you has experienced. Your words can change a life. Look and see, what is there. Speak up. Listen. Every single one of you has given me a great gift today. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for having the courage to speak up.”
 
Dare to see.

Dare to speak.

​Dare to listen.

​Dare to be the difference. ​

A few years ago, when I was still teaching and living in Vienna, I was in the midst of a journey beyond the veils, when the energies around me completely changed. 
 
I had shapeshifted into my white deer aspect and was exploring a forest, conversing with the beings around me and enjoying the peace and quiet. All of a sudden, the shadows grew larger and the scents and smells of the forest changed. What had smelled of peace and healing before, suddenly reeked of danger and demise. I knew that a hunter was on the prowl and he had chosen me as his prey. 
 
Everything grew dark. I started to run. The chase led through the forest, up into one of the mountain regions. I knew where I was headed and I had chosen the path on purpose. I heard the impatient growling of my pursuer behind me and where I was taking a path that would not hurt any tree or bush, he was running right through them, breaking and splintering wood. I reached a cliff, that I knew well, as did I know the abyss it led to. I had been down there on a journey before. 
 
I ran towards the edge of the cliff and at the last moment I made a sharp turn to the left. Since the one chasing me had been blinded by bloodthirst and chosen a form, that would allow him to simply demolish every obstacle, he was not as agile as I was and he went over the cliff. 
I went to the edge of the cliff and looked down.

There he was. A giant red lion made of fire. He was holding on to the edge of the cliff with one paw, his claws dug deeply into the stone. His glowing eyes were filled with pure hatred. I shapeshifted back into my human form, knelt down, grabbed his foot a bit under the paw and pulled him up onto the cliff and into safety. 

​He lay there, breathing heavily, staring at me in complete and utter disbelief. He growled, “Why?” I replied, “I love you.” Then I shapeshifted back into my white deer aspect, looked him in the eye once more, turned around and walked slowly back into the forest. 
 
Gentleness is not weakness, but strength. Facing your fears and looking them straight in the eye takes more courage, than burying them deeply in the abyss, where you can hear their growling and their cries, for they want to be seen and acknowledged. Look at them and see them for what they are and for what they are not. Love them and you love yourself. Embrace them and they are darkness no more. 

Do you know what it feels like when you are going to a party and everyone around you knows your name, who you are, your past, your time together and starts telling you about it, cracking inside jokes, patting you on your back and then taking their leave with a serene smile? Everyone knows who you are, what your purpose is and what you are capable of. With one exception. You. That is how I feel at times. 
 
“I am the White Crow.” That is what I told a being I encountered on one of my very first journeys beyond the veils a long, long time ago. The words came out of my mouth and I knew them to be true, as did the being in front of me. She seemed pleased and happy, we had a nice chat and then parted ways. Before that I had already shapeshifted into a crow without thinking when a murder of crows had called me to journey with them through the veils and it had felt completely and utterly normal. 
 
When I met a healer and shaman, my mother knew and whom I had wanted to talk to to understand what was going on with me, he asked me what my name was. I replied “I am the White Crow.” without giving it a second thought. He stared at me. I looked back at him and after a while I said, “Oh, my name is Kristin.” He kept staring and eventually he said, “Uh-huh.” Still staring.

Then, one day, out of nowhere a Native American medicine man and shaman appeared right in front of me in my energy field. Since I had never had that happen before until that point of time, I was completely taken by surprise. He seemed familiar. He came towards me, smiling broadly. “You have decided to come back here once more! Fantastic!” I looked at him and the only thing that came out of my mouth was, “Yes?” I had no clue what he was talking about. “That’s fantastic! You are back!” I kept staring at him, wide-eyed. “When are you coming over?” “Coming over?” “To visit us!” “I don’t have the resources right now.” He waved his hand dismissively as if that was the most insignificant of problems. “Resources don’t matter at all. Tell me, what is your name?” “I am the White Crow.” “Yes, of course! That is who you are and that is who you have always been. Who else would you be? No, what is your name?” I kept staring at him. “Your name. This lifetime. What is your name this lifetime?” “Kristin.” He was all smiles. He clapped his hands in complete happiness and then he left.

​I remained standing there completely confused about two things: He obviously knew who I was while I didn’t have a clue and he had been genuinely happy to see me. Since the connection had not been broken, I saw him in the distance, talking to another shaman. “He is back!” The other shaman shook his head and said: “Impossible!” “Yes! He is back. A woman this time!” Then the other man looked up and saw me.

His eyes grew big and he flashed me a smile. Then a past life memory hit me: We had known each other as boys. We were of the Haida people. One day we had decided that we wanted to eat some honey. Unfortunately, we did not simply ask the bees for some honey, which they would have given us without hesitation, no, we came up with the glorious idea to use sticks to bang on the beehives. My grandfather, who was a shaman and medicine man, had used the occasion to give me a thorough lesson in how to treat bee stings afterwards. 

For whatever reason it had never crossed my mind to research the meaning of the name “White Crow” thoroughly or to read up on mythology. For me it was just another part of not knowing, what I was, having no mentor or teacher to explain anything to me. The feeling of “Tag! You are it!” without actually knowing which game I was getting involved in had filled my thoughts. 
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​Then I received a great gift. I met Angaangaq Angakkorsuaq and Gayle Crosmaz during a weekend ceremony in Salzburg. When Gayle and I were talking, I told her that I am the White Crow and she told me that her name was White Raven. Then she told me that she had been given the name Allaq by Angaangaq and that it meant Black Bear. During the ceremony Angaangaq answered a question about spiritual names and their meaning. That got me very interested, so I started researching Black Bear and Raven in Ojibwe mythology and found the story about Crow. I read it and understood something profound about myself.

I have always been looking for my place in life, learning whatever possible, just to get bored with it when I was finished and crave new learning. The moment I understood a subject, I wanted to learn something new. The funny thing was, that – even when I myself was unable to find my place or purpose – I could help others by sharing my experiences and what I had learned on my way. I have worked as a teacher for about sixteen years, teaching kids, teenagers and adults and what I loved most about it, was watching my students blossom and bloom, gaining confidence in themselves and their personal power. 
 
In the Ojibwe story Crow is searching for his purpose. Because he was not patient enough to wait for the return of the Great One, who had been called away, the Great One could not tell him what his purpose was. As a result, Crow thinks that he has none. He is learning from all of creation, never finding satisfaction in life or his purpose, flying around restlessly until he starts giving advice to the beings he encounters. All he has learned on his journeys, turns into wisdom and his words guide others to their purpose or help them renew it. Unknowingly he has found his.

​While reading the story I understood a part of myself and my essence. I always thought I had no purpose and I was asking myself why I could not find my place in life. I am happiest, when I can assist and guide others, help them rekindle their inner fire and take their personal power back and I myself am allowed to learn new things. In Salzburg I spoke it out loud for the very first time: Being a healer and shaman is the work I want to do and I love to do: I have found my path and I love it. Every aspect of it.

When the Great One, Gichi-manidoo, was creating the flying ones, every single one of them was given great purpose. “Migizi, you will be the peoples’ messenger of prayers and thanks!”, he told the Eagle, then he created Hawk and told him, “Gekek, you are to be the messenger of the peoples’ needs and good medicine!” Gichi-manidoo then called Loon into being and said, “Maang, you are going to be the teacher of love and relationships!” The Great one created Crow and said, “Aandeg, you are… Oh, I am needed elsewhere for a moment. Be patient and wait for me. I will be right back.” Aandeg the Crow nodded, but soon he got bored and started preening his feathers. “Well, hello? Great One?” He took a look around. “Is anyone out there? Could anyone tell me what I am supposed to do? Hello?” He cawed impatiently. “I will find out myself. Whom to ask? Oh yes, I will ask Makwa the Bear.” 

Aandeg took off and flew to Makwa the Bear’s cave. “Boozhoo, Makwa! It’s me Aaandeg!” “Boozhoo, Aandeg, nice to see you!” “Makwa, I don’t know what I am supposed to do, the Great One did not tell me. Would you teach me your ways so I can be of help to others?” Makwa said, “Yes, I will show you how to find the right herbs and plants, so you can cure any illness, I will teach you how to fish and then I will show you how to survive the cold winter days.” Aaandeg was a great student and learned everything Makwa told him about, but when winter came and the first snow had fallen, he said, “Sleeping through winter is not what I want to do, there is so much to learn out there! This is not my way! Thank you, Makwa! See you in spring!” He flew away. He learned from Beaver, asked Loon to teach him his ways, sought out Wolf as his mentor, walked with Turtle until he grew impatient once more and asked Coyote for advice. But all their teachings didn’t fit with him. He learned from all of creation, but still he could not find his purpose and was not satisfied with his life.

Then one day, he heard someone crying in the woods. It was Ajidamoo the Squirrel. Ajidamoo was sitting on an oak tree. He looked very weak and sad.  “Aaniin, Ajidamoo! What’s the matter? What is troubling your heart?” Ajidamoo looked at Aandeg and said, “Aaniin, Aandeg! I don’t know what to do, my heart feels completely empty and drained!” Aandeg cawed, “You know what, Makwa will know what to do! He is the greatest of healers. We will ask him. And then we will visit Mikinaak the Turtle. He knows all about taking it slow and being patient!” Makwa and Ajidamoo had a great healing ceremony and Mikinaak told the squirrel all about patience and moving slowly. Soon the squirrel felt healed and balanced again and could return to his purpose with fresh spirit. Aandeg said, “That felt great! Let’s see, where to go now… There is so much to learn. Oh, what now? Who is crying now?” 

Since the Crow was always curious about such things, he went to investigate and found Waabooz the Rabbit crying in front of her burrow. “Boozhoo, old friend, what is troubling your heart?” “Oh, I just cannot take it anymore! I just want to be done with it and die!” “But why?” Waabooz the Rabbit started complaining about Waagosh the Fox and told Aandeg that there was simply no peace with Waagosh around. The crow listened carefully to everything his rabbit friend had to say and then advised him to make good use of his long legs and long ears, “Waabooz, you can listen very well and you can easily tell, when Waagosh is nearby! And look at those long and strong legs of yours! You can outrun him anytime!” Waabooz was taken by surprise and answered, “You are right! I can and you know what? I feel pretty good about it, too! Thanks, Aandeg!”
 
From that day, Aandeg kept travelling throughout the lands and made friends with all of creation, finding his purpose in helping others to either find their purpose or return to it with fresh spirit. 

Among all beings of creation, Eagle is the highest flying one, daring to fly near the sun. When All-heart, the Great One, dreamt the flying ones into being, each and every single one of them was given a task and a purpose. Eagle was named the messenger and bearer of prayers to the spirit realms and messenger and bearer of visions to Mother Earth and all of creation. Eagle accepted the sacred duty to speak from the heart with love and to relay the messages and visions without ill-will and without deceit. 
 
When the seasons turned and a long and dark winter began to hold the hearts of humankind in an icy grip, Eagle was no longer greeted with warm words of welcome and the messages and visions, he had been asked to give, were spoken to frozen hearts. Sadness and sorrow filled his heart. He sat down on the branch of a dead tree and he began to weep. He no longer wanted to speak to deaf ears. The harsh words he had been met with and that had been spoken behind his back had wounded his heart badly and weighed him down. He put his head under his right wing and closed his ears to the world.

Suddenly he heard a tiny voice, “Dare to fly out one more time, please. Just one more time. Let us take a look from high up in the skies and see, what we can do to help mend the hearts of all of creation.” Eagle looked up and saw a white eagle sitting next to him on the branch. “Come and follow your heart one more time!” The white eagle jumped into the air and took flight, flew higher and higher and soon was out of sight. 

Eagle hesitated for a brief moment, then let out a scream and rushed after his new friend. 

​​One more time.  
 
Eagle flew higher and higher, but he could not see the other eagle anywhere. The fires of the sun started to burn away all the ill-wishes and harsh words that had been spoken in anger and that had hurt his heart. His heart began to feel lighter and lighter. He soared even higher and dared to stare directly into the sun. The sun light gently caressed his eyes and the shadowy mist that had clouded his sight vanished. His plumage and heart ablaze he looked deep into the heart of the sun and saw his own light mirrored back to him, a majestic white eagle. He let go of his pain and fears and dove straight into the sun. Out of the ashes of wounds past Eagle was reborn as Phoenix.
 
He returned to his task and purpose, singing a song of hope, renewal and rebirth, challenging all of creation to let go of the pain and wounds of the past, to allow them to become the healing wisdom of today and the hope of our new tomorrow.